Introduction
Have you ever thought that deep down you really were not a
nice person? If no, this guide probably is not for you. If yes, congratulations,
you're well on your way to becoming an Asshole! If you follow these easy steps,
you will be able to ensure that people think of you as an asshole, and not as a
mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.
Step One: Have Impossibly Refined Sensibilities
This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and
probably the most difficult. It requires an amount of study because you will
need to know your field. Faking is not an option; a fake will be held up as an
object of scorn and as a pretentious moron, which is clearly not your objective.
I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food or music. While General
Assholery is spectacularly impressive, it requires nearly a lifetime of study to
properly attain. Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on
being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the
difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet,
you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former
would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.
Step Two: Use Really Big Words
This is a much simpler step in your ascendance to Divine
Asshole. All you'll need for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary. Take some
common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of
"beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish"
say puerile. Make certain that you are properly using your new obscure words;
loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly.
Step Three: Choose Something To Hate
It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost
universally loved. Don't hate the French if you're English. Don't hate the
Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or you may be mistaken for a wit instead of an
asshole. Whatever you do decide to hate, make sure you know enough about it to
hate it properly, I'd suggest hating something in your field of expertise. If
you're a Food Asshole, hate Italian Cuisine, if you're a Music Asshole, try
hating Mozart or The Beatles. Make sure that whatever you do hate, is common
enough to come up in casual conversation; if you're an Art Asshole, don't hate
Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to
lesser-known impressionists.
Step Four: Always Manage To Turn Conversation Around To You
No matter what the topic of conversation is about, make
sure you play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their
hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, tell them all about your evil ex, who was
way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If you don't have an ex, make one up.
If someone manages to mention something remotely related to your field of
expertise, monopolize the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back
to the thing you chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.
Step Five: You Are Always Right, Be Secure In This
This is the culmination of your training as an asshole.
Once you have mastered the first four steps, you are ready for this. When
someone decides to argue with you about the merits of the thing you hate in step
3, intellectually bludgeon them using the words you learned in step two. This
should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in your area of
expertise from step one. Resort to ad hominem attacks deriding your opponent's
intelligence. Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent;
you are an asshole afterall, not a bitch. If you manage to win the argument
either by logic and reason or by your opponent leaving in disgust; be an
ungracious winner and taunt your fallen foe.
Conclusion
If you carefully adhere to the above steps, you will be a Supreme Asshole in no time. While you may not have many friends, you can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser; they not only lack friends, they lack style.