TWIN SISTERS
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing
home and the editor of the newspaper, told a photographer to get over there and
take the pictures of
these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her
twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE
SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So
they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the
photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA
FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
BUBBA
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba
driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new
truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the
truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got
out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".
Cowboy Sex
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds."
Wedding Test
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get
me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my
car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Lawyer Hunting Regulations
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS
Government Department of Fish and "Wildlife" Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder...........(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Eraser...............(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator.....(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster..........(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut.................(2)
6. Honest Attorney.....................(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat..........................(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner................(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser............(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender.......($100 BOUNTY)